Memory

Its the one unalienable right we are born with that actually works without a survival guide. Its the one thing we have that we never really pay any attention to and yet without it wed have nothing to show for our yesterdays. Its the way washed up shells along the beach can remind me of when I was a child searching for the shiniest one barefoot and no other concerns. The way fall leaves collecting in piles and the first cold night of the year can make you want to cozy up to some hot cocoa and scary movies. Or how the smell of fresh swamp cooler pads can bring you back to the days when you would shove your body parts into the air tunnels for relieve from those hot summer days. How the smell of ocean or the touch of the hot sand between your toes can bring you back to Maui where the sun melted away your troubles. Its the way that no matter how lost you may become you always find yourself back at home. Its the one thing you have left of something that will never return, like how the smell of your aunts perfume makes you feel like shes right by your side. That comfort brought by our memory, and still we take little notice. Its the way that no matter how many hugs you get from your grandmother each and every one is as sweet as the first. Its how nail polish can remind you of growing up with your sisters. How the feel of a river rock can bring you back to old lake trips and all the attempts made trying to skip them. The fresh garden smell of spring can remind you of hunting for Caterpillars and Rolly-pollies as a child.
Nothing is more vital to our senses than what we do routinely everyday. Its the events done out of routine that we remember best. Everything around us makes us that much more vulnerable to forget. We become so accustom to our everyday lives we just begin to expect that everyday will be the same. We make mistakes, we were meant to. Trial and error is all we have to push us to knock on the next door. No matter how long it may take to open. As long as we all know the world for something good in our lives we wont forget whats really important. Not giving up. Our memories give us guidance for whats next to come, hope that things will change. The comfort gives us the confidence to move on. A comfort we learn to trust over time. Only when there is visible danger do we turn the other way, that is if we never had a memory to learn by. Never doubt your intuition because even if you don't understand it, its real. There is a reason for everything and in the end it can all affect your life. Because with each new day brings in new standards within the road we travel and most often time without any warning the little things in life we take for granted are gone. And then the only comfort you can feel is the memory of what is no longer there. The memory that could've saved what is now lost. And you left to knock on the next door, the next chance. And hope you will learn from trial and error. but you wont, because we are all idiots. We repeatedly gain trust that things will just be the way we want and we forget the simple things that help us along.

I want to run to you

I want to see you like my skin
Growing with me everyday
Keeping me together when I'm torn apart
Holding who I am inside
I wont live another day alone
as long as I hold you close
a comfort Ive never known before
My skin, what makes me beautiful even in the mud
My skin that heels every time it may be broken
and still my skin stays brave to the danger
I want to feel you like my heart
beating every second of my life
saying what is never told by instinct I feel
warming my body so I may never lay cold
holding those I love near and close
But never will I know you by my mind
because my mind will not understand how I feel for you

We are ignorant from time to time.

As time ages on as would a bittersweet wine, I too will look over my should at the past and still not know what lays ahead of me. All that life will ever grant us is the hope for something more and the slight spark of potential that we may or may never see. To twine ourselves within the sweet blossoming gardens and flourish but with nothing to show except our love and our enduring gifts, we shall hold so close. Looking back we see the world as deaf would hear a beautiful orchestra. We have learned the tune by heart and yet quiet still we may never hear it.And as those few unfortunate stay waiting to hear the first beat others will have learned to play the instruments. No one is born with the wisdom to know where to find everything you need in life. All we have is the love. And when we hurt and our hearts ache we lay vulnerable and the love fades just as the music begins to mute. We must learn to move on in times of struggle because whats next to come may be greater than what we grieve upon. And next time we find something worth holding close, our hearts will learn to appreciate that much more. Bringing together the bits of life that once felt so lost. And one day life will be simple again, because one day I would hope all that is worth keeping will learn to love again. Even when we may be deaf to hear them or blind to see them we know them by heart and they still near, waiting for us to open our eyes once more.

A Search to Find What is Never Lost

A sliver of light glaring through the crack in the wall. Beneath this wall meets the edge of my foundation. And I stand here exposed and naked. My feet lay flat upon the surface, my eyes fixed on this beaming light. My breasts lay sweat upon my chest, my hair lays untouched and mangled. Nothing is left to be unveiled, here I am. This is all that I'm made of. Left to desire the lacking, Left to need more than what is given. Always hungry, always naked; I am left to be detected. Left to perceive I'm alone in this concealed world but I'm stubborn. I stare out so curious, this light tempts my need to draw near. Cold water beneath my feet I step out delicately. Each step a bite to feed my hunger. And with each step I recover. My skin radiates the heat of this light and this stone cast mold begins to unfold. My body is released from all barriers. My back arches inward and my body leans toward the crack in the wall. Unclothed I kneel to my knees, placing each hand on either side of this light and I peak in with one eye near to see. And as if to be weak and unbalanced as water the wall gives into the pressure and my body is shot out to fall. And the once bright light I so craved to see is dark and cold and raining over me. On my back naked I lay wet by the rain and left tired by my own strength. Maybe this unknown was not left to be discovered. The grass stands tall, blowing wet side to side so swift above me. My body lays beneath everything, rested gently on the surface I was so fiercely gifted. My hands hold close my breasts to cover. My eyes may shut to each exiting breath and my legs lay on flat on the gravel. And with each new breath inhaled my eyes may open to glance at the grey clouds moving slowly above it all. Whats missing? Whats wrong? Whats left to complete whats left of me? A sliver of light beaming out from the clouds? I lay out to dry and the birds are coming out. As the light grows stronger more and more I see of whats encasing me. Yet so vulnerable I may be. My eyes must adjust and my muscles lay so tense. I roll my head on its side to rest, my hands fall heavy from my breasts and I see the wall that has collapsed. So weak I have become laying here with no desire for it to matter. I am only surviving here. The light widens and the clouds thin out slowly illuminating the blossoms of small yellow flowers at the ends of the steps crawling above me. Waving side to side so swift and calm. Rested I begin to feel the bumps of my chill sink and spread back inside of me.My skin so pure so polished and smooth, keeps me together in this oh so separated world. The breeze hits my chest and neck like warm breath down my body and I still crave the warm embrace of another. Someone to fill this absence of desire. Someone to make me love again, make me strong and make it matter.
A man so gentle and firm. So guilty I feel for the feelings I cant shake. And this strange sense of comfort, so lost in fixation, so drawn to the unknown. And why is this that Ive changed so? He brings close all that I felt was lost.
Alone, there is no purpose in this world. In a world without meaning everything falls into shadow no matter how light. What difference does it make for me to stand above where I lay? Everything is going to change anyway. How I urn for his tender protection. The tall grass straps me to this land left barren as my body, I need to find my reason, my purpose and stand. Slowly I sit up to a kneel. I look out in all directions, vast and wide it is so empty but I no longer feel alone. A new spark of interest I have found. The will to move on after struggle.

When Does it matter

If all lifes questions were easy to answer each new step is no longer a risk to fall

If whats next to come never scared us it wouldn't matter which way wed turn. If everybody you met agreed with your plans it wouldn't matter what they thought. If we never got hungry thirst cold or hot it wouldn't matter what we choose. If everything we did lead to some kind of success we wouldn't have to worry. But they aren't and it matters. Get over it and learn to fall lightly Learn to turn around when your faced in the wrong direction. Think, Choose, and don't worry.

memory

I watch you from a distance my dearest memory. You hold you love in your arms and dance so vigorously. You have met your blue jay in a flock of sparrows so fly off together and nest in a blossom bearing tree. Make a sky full of blue jays and never live alone again. Promise to never abandon hope, promise to give faith in the simple strengths gained in struggle. Promise to love. I watch you from a distance in reflections I can see, and if only you knew you were part of me. May I be the needles and the weeds you so twine in the trees or shall I be the leaves that watch as they float away in the breeze?